waiting for the day when it's all worth it...

Family life, I know, is difficult for everyone. Blended families can make it even more so.

Being a step-mom is hard. It can be amplified if you've never had any parenting experience. Especially when the kids you instantly acquire are teens. OY. There's not enough booze in the world some days. I like to tongue-and-cheek the situation and say witty things like: "Remember, I did NOT know you in the 'cute phase'."

And it's true. I visit friends with babies and toddlers - and no matter how many things they get into, climb, spill, drool on, etc. - there is still that moment that they crawl into your lap to show you the Cheeto they found on the floor or fall asleep in your arms, that's priceless.

Cute, I like to say, covers a multitude of sins.

When the kids you 'get' are older - it's harder. Not so much cute. The past is the past, is the past - but a constant, visual reminder of a life that came before you is HUGE. And it's different if they are not 'yours'. It just is. You don't have that automatic bond with unconditional love. You may love them, but liking them can be a challenge, even on the best days.

You may even entertain the idea of having kids of your 'own'. And the less-than-logical reasons can be endless.

• To validate yourself as a member of the family
• To prove that you could be a great parent - if you had a say and a part of their upbringing
• To have something *finally* that really belongs to you and your husband
• To make your living situation a more tolerable place

During my insomniac times, brain spinning with heartache over how hard it is being a step-mom, I found this:

The Stepparent's Bill of Rights

1. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.   

2. I will be a part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.

3. People outside the immediate family, including ex-wives, in-laws, or children cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.   

4. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

5. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit, and how long they will stay.       

6. I will not solely be responsible for housework – chores will be distributed fairly.

7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

8. I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home. 

9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

10. I will be consulted on all family financial matters.

Truth be told, I think I've had struggles with each of the ten items listed, at one time or another. I've been hurt. I've been angry. I've had days when a one-way ticket someplace was looking mighty, mighty fine.

And I'm not alone.

While there are factors that may be unique to my experience (my step-kids' mom died so my husband and I had them exclusively) My experience is more than common. I don't have a whacky ex-wife that calls at inappropriate times - but I am compared to a ghost. A ghost whose mistakes are forgiven and whose  good aspects are forever glimmering.

But I'm still here. I make mistakes. I have limits and fears and a heart that is a bit worse for wear.

Meanwhile, am lucky to have people in my life that support me and I can talk to; who won't judge me or think I'm 'Evil' for wanting some time with my husband, courtesy and respect, or a little peace and quiet.

I'm working on growing a thicker skin, or Teflon-coating the one I have - in order to survive. I realize that I am not responsible for the people my step-kids become. But I am here to provide substance, if that is something they want. I'll just take a little pressure off of being a SuperParent (it's not my job) and take better care of myself.

Because nobody else can do that for me.

Comments

[Diana]

You should print out your "Bill of Rights" and hang it on your fridge. Then you should have it printed onto refrigerator magnets (or maybe really big posters - some people might need more than a gentle hint) and sell them. Seriously - that's brilliant!

[Karen]

I wish I'd had your Bill of Rights when I was a step-parent!

[Sheree]

when I first met you it had been after a long period where Bill and I hadn't talked . I had heard of you, and read about you in his blogs, but wasn't sure about you. I walked into the restaurant not sure what to expect. But what I saw was a sparkle in Bill's eyes, a joy that radiated in the restaurant that day. I then got the chance to talk to you, to get to know you. And I understood. You had such a joy that was so wonderful. When the meal was done, Bill gave me a big hug and whispered how he was truly happy. I felt a peace that he was and that he is.

I guess what I'm trying to say is when it's get's hard with the teens, grab on to that love, to that worth it. Together, you can get through it. You are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul... one day... teens grow up... and they will see it.

[KC]

A little late to this party, but I do have to comment. If only to let you know, it does get better.

You already have a "good" relationship with the kids. It only becomes richer as adults.

If there was true animosity between you all, I wouldn't say this. Based on your writings, I don't see that. I see all of you trying to find your places.

Trust me, it takes time. They are part of my life now, in ways I would've seen all those years ago...